Adventures in Dater Sitting

I love giving relationship advice.  I admit, while I take it very seriously, there is an element of entertainment in the fact that someone might listen to anything I have to say on the subject.  After all, few people can compete with the sheer magnitude of relationship mistakes I have catalogued in my history.  In fact, one might say I have so much experience with this that I am an expert.  They should probably give me awards.  Or maybe do a documentary on my life.  Ooooh, better yet, give me an honorary doctorate for my accomplishments in this area.  And if I’m a doctor, well who better to give advice? 

See there, I’ve done it.  I’ve rationalized the whole thing and now I feel emboldened.  I am ready to take on the biggest, most terrifying relationship demons out there.  I am ready to research and hypothesize and theorize and send some poor sap back out into the world prepared for make-ups, break-ups, first dates, blind dates, weddings, divorces and in-laws.  (Maybe not in-laws.  I have absolutely no experience with them)  In all honesty, I do think that’s what makes me a halfway decent confidante when it comes to this.  I am prudent and judicious.  I can outplay Al Pacino as the devil’s advocate.  I am mind-numbingly rational.  At least until the moment the relationship/date/problem is mine.

So, here it is.  Take it, leave it or use it to make a paper airplane.

Before you dive in head first, make sure the pool is deep enough:  I’ve seen it countless time.  I’ve done it more than once.  People love to enter a relationship in overdrive and can’t understand why the brakes work nearly as well as the gas.  I love the thought of soul mates, and love at first sight.  However, I’m fairly sure those are about as common as Republicans that love Obama.  Relationships that build and grow slowly over time last with time.  “Love” that happens overnight is usually about as steadfast as M&M’s in a toddlers sweaty little palm.  Attraction is not the same thing as love.  Having a lot in common doesn’t mean the things you haven’t discovered you DON’T have in common will be easy to overcome. 

Start with the schmuck in the mirror:  I know there are people out there who just hate being alone, who need another person to make them feel complete.  However, I think it’s important that you have a positive relationship with yourself before you can properly handle one with another person.  If you can rely on yourself, you don’t have the need for someone else, and you won’t have a debilitating fear of losing them.  However, if you do insist on needing someone, at least have minimum standards.

Trust is not just for rich kids’ funds:  If he or she doesn’t trust you and is constantly mad about the fact that you once knew someone of the opposite sex, or maybe even kissed them under the bleachers in high school – there is no trust.  If you think he or she has been secretly conspiring to make you look like a fool by flirting with every living thing and by saying things like “Hi” and “Supersize it please” to people you suspect he or she is cheating on you with – there is no trust.  There will never be trust.  This will never change. 

Which leads me too…

It’s history - rip out the chapter and use it for kindling:   We’ve all had past relationships.  We’ve all had dates that lead to more dates, and dates that ended in waves of tears in a pint of Hagen Dazs.  But the fact that the love of your life, the most perfect human being on earth, the end-all, be-all of your entire existence at some point went crazy and decided you weren’t the one – doesn’t mean the person standing in front of you will decide that too.  Even if the rotten-scumbag-dogshit-eating-slimeball you dated last year cheated on you with your sister’s best-friend’s yoga instructor, doesn’t mean the new guy in your life is showing signs of being like him just because you best-friend’s sister’s manicurist heard he jilted the girl before you.  Don’t bring your baggage with you.  Treat every new beginning as just that, not as a poorly-made, low-budget sequel.

What it all boils down to is this – if you grow to care for someone, after getting to know them – give them your best.  Give them a self-sufficient, self-assured you.  Give them respect, trust and time.  If you begin to feel like you’re doing all the giving, give them the respect of sharing your feelings.  And if you then feel like you’re giving them too much, give them their freedom.