I love giving relationship advice. I admit, while I take it very seriously,
there is an element of entertainment in the fact that someone might listen to
anything I have to say on the subject. After all, few people can compete with the
sheer magnitude of relationship mistakes I have catalogued in my history. In fact, one might say I have so much
experience with this that I am an expert.
They should probably give me awards.
Or maybe do a documentary on my life.
Ooooh, better yet, give me an honorary doctorate for my accomplishments
in this area. And if I’m a doctor, well
who better to give advice?
See there, I’ve done it.
I’ve rationalized the whole thing and now I feel emboldened. I am ready to take on the biggest, most
terrifying relationship demons out there.
I am ready to research and hypothesize and theorize and send some poor
sap back out into the world prepared for make-ups, break-ups, first dates,
blind dates, weddings, divorces and in-laws.
(Maybe not in-laws. I have
absolutely no experience with them) In
all honesty, I do think that’s what makes me a halfway decent confidante when
it comes to this. I am prudent and
judicious. I can outplay Al Pacino as
the devil’s advocate. I am
mind-numbingly rational. At least until
the moment the relationship/date/problem is mine.
So, here it is. Take
it, leave it or use it to make a paper airplane.
Before you dive in
head first, make sure the pool is deep enough: I’ve seen it countless time. I’ve done it more than once. People love to enter a relationship in
overdrive and can’t understand why the brakes work nearly as well as the
gas. I love the thought of soul mates,
and love at first sight. However, I’m
fairly sure those are about as common as Republicans that love Obama. Relationships that build and grow slowly over
time last with time. “Love” that happens
overnight is usually about as steadfast as M&M’s in a toddlers sweaty
little palm. Attraction is not the same
thing as love. Having a lot in common
doesn’t mean the things you haven’t discovered you DON’T have in common will be
easy to overcome.
Start with the
schmuck in the mirror: I know there
are people out there who just hate being alone, who need another person to make them feel complete. However, I think it’s important that you have
a positive relationship with yourself before you can properly handle one with
another person. If you can rely on
yourself, you don’t have the need for
someone else, and you won’t have a debilitating fear of losing them. However, if you do insist on needing someone,
at least have minimum standards.
Trust is not just for
rich kids’ funds: If he or she
doesn’t trust you and is constantly mad about the fact that you once knew
someone of the opposite sex, or maybe even kissed them under the bleachers in
high school – there is no trust. If you
think he or she has been secretly conspiring to make you look like a fool by
flirting with every living thing and by saying things like “Hi” and “Supersize
it please” to people you suspect he or she is cheating on you with – there is
no trust. There will never be
trust. This will never change.
Which leads me too…
It’s history - rip
out the chapter and use it for kindling:
We’ve all had past relationships.
We’ve all had dates that lead to more dates, and dates that ended in
waves of tears in a pint of Hagen Dazs.
But the fact that the love of your life, the most perfect human being on
earth, the end-all, be-all of your entire existence at some point went crazy
and decided you weren’t the one – doesn’t mean the person standing in front of
you will decide that too. Even if the
rotten-scumbag-dogshit-eating-slimeball you dated last year cheated on you with
your sister’s best-friend’s yoga instructor, doesn’t mean the new guy in your
life is showing signs of being like him just because you best-friend’s sister’s
manicurist heard he jilted the girl before you.
Don’t bring your baggage with you.
Treat every new beginning as just that, not as a poorly-made, low-budget
sequel.
What it all boils down to is this – if you grow to care for
someone, after getting to know them – give them your best. Give them a self-sufficient, self-assured
you. Give them respect, trust and
time. If you begin to feel like you’re
doing all the giving, give them the respect of sharing your feelings. And if you then feel like you’re giving them
too much, give them their freedom.
